Strange things have been happening.  Strange things, indeed.

Saturday night was quite lovely.
I went to see Dooley and we talked about a lot of things.  Finally, he gave reason for not wanting to title our relationship.  Mainly, it boils down to greed…and fear.  Greed because he knows he can’t be faithful right now, and fear because he doesn’t want to do anything to lose me.  I argued with him about it, but in the end I just sighed and dropped it.  He doesn’t see my point, and I don’t accept his.  He thinks of me and relationships in the conventional way, and I don’t see anything working in any relationship that’s conventional, but he doesn’t understand that.  I think my problem is that I think like a man.  I take the emotional aspect out of things and just pinpoint what makes the most sense to me.  It seems wrong, but I really don’t expect any man to ever be faithful.  I don’t see it as a lack of love when I guy cheats, it’s just sex.  I totally understand how the two can be differentiated.  I told him this and he looked at me like I was crazy.  He asked me what woman actually enters in a relationship expecting to be cheated on, and I just made a face and raised my hand.  He said I was nut and deserved better than that.  I said it’s the only way I know to think.  Not saying all men cheat, but saying that women are fools if they really think it can never happen.  We moved away from that subject after I told him I was going out on a date this weekend since that was what he wanted for me.  It was awesome watching his face shift from emotion to emotion before he caught himself and said he hoped I’d have fun.  I smiled at him and he couldn’t look at me.  He doesn’t want a commitment, then fine.  I respect him for at least being honest with me as to why he doesn’t want to do it, I’m just angry at the fact that he really thinks we can just keep it like this forever.  He knows as long as I am with him, I won’t really get into anyone else (nor would he let me), but as long as we don’t give it a title, he can do whatever he wants.  It’ll grow old though, eventually.  I already see me working on him.  He’ll be broken down soon enough and make it official…or I’ll get bored soon enough and just leave him alone.  Fucked up how either way that works out, it will be for the best.  I do hope it will be the former, though…because in spite of everything, I am in love with him.

So yes, we talked, drank a bit, and fooled around like horny teenagers.  It was all good fun.  

Then this morning, Becca called me all hysterical.  An oil truck had lost control and plowed into the landlord’s truck before ramming into and then onto her car.  The cars were parked, thank goodness, and she wasn’t hurt…physically…but mentally…damn…she took one hell of a hit.  The car isn’t even 2 years old.  She doesn’t even pay for it, someone else does.  And it is totaled.  Gone…completely fucked up.  I would fucking lose it if something like that happened to my car!  I mean, I lost it when I was in the accident and now I have the outline of a license plate on my bumper.  I couldn’t imagine coming out of my house to see a damn truck sitting on the back of my car!!
So of course I went to see her.  When I was in my accident, I didn’t even ask Becca to come.  She had heard me scream, I said I was in an accident and I’d call her back, and before I knew it, she was calling me back and asking where it was and saying she was on her way.  She left work to come and make sure I was alright.  So hell yeah I went to take her a pack of cigs.  She could have asked me to come over to tie her shoe and I would have gone.  Screw work.  She needed me.  I sat while she talked to the insurance company and then the oil company and then the oil company’s insurance company. They set it up for her to get a rental car right away, so instead of making her wait, I took her to the place and she got a sweet ride and then I came into work.  I got a few looks for being late, but I really don’t care.  Becca needed someone to be there.  She’s had such a hard time with everything, and sometimes it seems like she is alone in everything.  Not that I pity her and that’s why I went…I went because she’s my friend. She’s always been there for me, she needed me, and I love her.   I hope everything will work out her.  I think she has a case, but with Jersey law, I don’t know if it will happen.

Every time the world starts to tip right side up for me, it dips low for someone I care about…knocking me right back off balance.

The saying is right:  Everything is in flux; nothing is ever still.
Ain’t that the truth?