The situation, well, it came to an odd empasse. We did end up speaking, but I was drunk off my ass so I don't remember much of what I said. I called him to tell him about the insurance on the phone, but lapsed into other things while in the car with Becca. I don't remember any of that at all...not what I said, what he said, or what Becca said when I put her on the phone with him. I just remember him telling her I was on some bullshit and he was hanging up and that he loved me. I said I love you back and Becca repeated it and hung up.

When I got in the house, I called him back. I know what he said...what he always says...but I know I didn't say what I always say back. I think I mentioned kids. I think I mentioned forever. I think I mentioned leaving. But I know I confessed love. And I remember him saying the same. I begged him to stop being so callous with my emotions and to try to act like he wants me around if he wants me to stay so bad. He agreed. I asked him if he really wanted to keep this up or just go back to being friends, and he insists on us staying the way we are...that he really loves me even if he can't say he can't be commited to me right now. I told him I didn't need a commitment...I just need honesty. I'll stay as long as he wants me to as long as he's honest with me. I sat there in my bathroom, yelling at him with tears pouring down my face at 4 in the morning, wondering how I had come to that point...become that woman...and as he sleepily said he loved me and goodnight, I knew exactly how it had happened. I had given up the ghost...I had fallen in love for the first time for the second time with him. He is all I've ever really loved. I can't just let that go out of my life.

We hung up, not really resolved...never really resolved...but I felt like a weight had been lifted. He and I go round and round, faster and faster, and eventually one of us will end up falling off and banging our head on the ground, broken and bloody and sick. I guess I just need to start holding on and enjoying the ride. I say this for the millionth time, true. I guess I'm just a procrastinator at heart.

He called me a few times yesterday...not really talking about anything. I appreciated the gesture. I wound up going to see him. We sat in the car and watched the first real snow fall and he held me as I paniced about driving home in the snow. He wouldn't let me leave. We fooled around and took pictures and talked and sang and relaxed. He kissed my forehead, hugged me tight, and the next thing I know it was 3am. We looked at each other and grinned sleepily, and I told him it was ok for me to go then. He kept me there an extra hour before letting me go.

Somtimes...those times...I know he loves me. I just wish we could always be like that.

I've been staring at the pictures we took with my phone last night. Some of them are so freaking cute. One of us is now my screensaver. I was just thinking...the guys that I don't have pictures of never stay in my life. Dooley is the only boyfriend I had that I took pictures with. I have a smiling picture of us hugging sitting on my living room table from 1998. I don't even have a picture of my ex fiance', and we were going to get married. Isn't that odd? But now Dooley and I have been captured again for all eternity...trapped in smiling bliss on my screen. Maybe we can make it after all. Maybe it will all work out.

In the movie The Other Sister, their thing was saying olive juice because when they mouth it to someone across the room, it looks like they're saying I love you. I've been saying olive juice all day in my head and breaking into ridiculous smiles that make my coworkers furrow their brows at me and shake their heads.

I am so horribly, horribly smitten.
I am terrified.

Olive Juice.