Things have been....weird.
Not good....not bad...just...weird.

Dooley and I have hit a smooth patch. We sit for hours and giggle and smile and joke and listen to music. We talk about kids, clothes, houses, and religion. He calls...he doesn't call...I'm not anxious or sad. I am happy with where we are right now. Scared shitless...but happy nonetheless.

The rest of life...well...everything seems to be on the verge of either falling apart or coming together. I am waiting to be fired. It's coming. I dread it and welcome it at the same time. I am horrified of change, but it is needed terribly. Becca and I have been thinking about going to real estate classes. It's only 300$ and it's a good fall back career. Of course, I still want to get my bartending lisence...I mean...come on. Me in a bar listening to jokes and problems and flirting with strangers? What could be better?

I don't have any money in the bank, and I think I am sick again. This damn weather keeps changing...one day warm, one day cold...warm days and cold nights...bleh. So yes, I am sick again and I have the busted lip to prove it. How.Fucking.Awesome.

My brother and his girlfriend broke up. He broke up with her. I thought they were forever, and now he's saying he may never want to have another girlfriend. It breaks my heart because I still talk to her and I know how much she loves him and is hoping for it to work out. I won't discuss their breakup, as it's not my life to divulge, but I say, to me, it seemed a necessary evil...I just thought that it would be over in a week. She had to spend new year's alone and tomorrow is her birthday. My brother and I...sometimes...are really fucked up individuals. We can really be cold. Seeing him now, and finding out that this is the same way people sometimes see me, I realize that we are fucking assholes. We're like aimless wrecking balls swinging though life. I wish I could help him...but I can't even help myself.

I may end this journal. I might not. I have been thinking about copying and closing down all but one of my online journals. I don't know which one to keep. This and His Star are the only ones I didn't hide behind fake names...but for some reason, I feel that that is exactly why I should close them and delete them. I don't know. I am feeling thin. I have these two, which have been neglected because I have my Mindsay journal that I opened to keep in touch with my pops. The Mindsay is the easiest to get to...more feedback...but I like this one better. I have to download and delete my diaryland and lj diaries for sure. They haven't been updated in a year almost.

So I guess you can say I am shooting for some closure in my life. Trying to get everything in line for the big 30 coming in (yipes) 5 weeks. I hope and I can hold onto this purpose and clarity. I hope I seriously start making some real grown up moves to establish my place in life. By this time next year, I hopefully want to have a house (or townhouse), a better paying job, and maybe working on making a baby. Still back and forth on the baby thing. I want to be a mom, but I don't know if I want to be a mom in this world.

This was kind of aimless...but really...that was the point.