i have not much been in the mood for writing...for thinking...for living actually.
i have been sick since the end of december. yes...i am still sick.
my birthday was truly a day i could have lived without. i got no gifts. isn't that precious? i turned 30 man, and friends that should have called at least, merely texted me, and ones that usually text me, forgot me all togehter. i kept thinking it was all a set up...that there was a party waiting for me somewhere with all my friends...but no. no one came to visit me. no extra special anything. mandy made me some rocking brownies and her and lola took me to applebee's for dinner. i...didn't even get a cake. and...it has really changed the way i feel about alot of people and things. and sadly, no, it's not for the better.
on 3-3-06 i was called into work for a meeting on my day off and told that i was fired. 5 years. fired. no warning. just like that.
5 years.
now i am sitting here terrified of how to make the ends meet, and my mom is using this as an opportunity into scaring me back home. and it's like wow...i have had the most horrible month. i am still sick, now running from doc to doc like a mad woman before the end of the month and my benefits run out. it would help if i had some money to pay for these visits or whatnot...i am greatly tempted to turn to a life of crime. just until i can get on my feet and find another job...which will have to wait for me to get over this sickness and get some new work clothes. i have never...ever...felt so afraid, lost, or heartbroken.
speaking of hearts, adam basically lives here. comes home to me every night. i know eventually i will have to bring up the words...rent money. things have been strange between us...at least to me. he likes how we are. the old couple...no drama, no intrigue...no passion. he comes home and crawls over me and lies as far away as possible. it's like i sleep alone. we sit and we joke and chat during the day and we have fun....we do. i like being around him. i love him. but we hadn't had relations in a month. he doesn't even try to do anything. but to him, that's nothing. to me, it means something is wrong. but then, i think on it, and maybe it's just the guys that i'm used to. they cheated, and then they stopped being with me. i'm used to being pawed and manhandled, and i admit, it really upsets me when that doesn't happen. so i tried to chill about the sex thing. i kept asking him if he just wants us to be friends...he could still stay, still sleep in the bed, still everyting...but we only take the friends and lose the with perks part. he adamantly says no, he's happy the way we are, the sex will get back on track once he slows down...yadda yadda yadda. and i, being the dumbass i am, seriously believe it is because he runs the street so much. he doesn't come home til like 5 most nights. and he sleeps hard the time during the day in which he's here. i know he talks to other girls...but i still don't see him sleeping with them. so i don't know. we're just a big ole ball of confusion. but at least he comforts me, or at least tries to when i get all upset about the sickness or the job thing.
it's nice having someone around that cares.
i have been sick since the end of december. yes...i am still sick.
my birthday was truly a day i could have lived without. i got no gifts. isn't that precious? i turned 30 man, and friends that should have called at least, merely texted me, and ones that usually text me, forgot me all togehter. i kept thinking it was all a set up...that there was a party waiting for me somewhere with all my friends...but no. no one came to visit me. no extra special anything. mandy made me some rocking brownies and her and lola took me to applebee's for dinner. i...didn't even get a cake. and...it has really changed the way i feel about alot of people and things. and sadly, no, it's not for the better.
on 3-3-06 i was called into work for a meeting on my day off and told that i was fired. 5 years. fired. no warning. just like that.
5 years.
now i am sitting here terrified of how to make the ends meet, and my mom is using this as an opportunity into scaring me back home. and it's like wow...i have had the most horrible month. i am still sick, now running from doc to doc like a mad woman before the end of the month and my benefits run out. it would help if i had some money to pay for these visits or whatnot...i am greatly tempted to turn to a life of crime. just until i can get on my feet and find another job...which will have to wait for me to get over this sickness and get some new work clothes. i have never...ever...felt so afraid, lost, or heartbroken.
speaking of hearts, adam basically lives here. comes home to me every night. i know eventually i will have to bring up the words...rent money. things have been strange between us...at least to me. he likes how we are. the old couple...no drama, no intrigue...no passion. he comes home and crawls over me and lies as far away as possible. it's like i sleep alone. we sit and we joke and chat during the day and we have fun....we do. i like being around him. i love him. but we hadn't had relations in a month. he doesn't even try to do anything. but to him, that's nothing. to me, it means something is wrong. but then, i think on it, and maybe it's just the guys that i'm used to. they cheated, and then they stopped being with me. i'm used to being pawed and manhandled, and i admit, it really upsets me when that doesn't happen. so i tried to chill about the sex thing. i kept asking him if he just wants us to be friends...he could still stay, still sleep in the bed, still everyting...but we only take the friends and lose the with perks part. he adamantly says no, he's happy the way we are, the sex will get back on track once he slows down...yadda yadda yadda. and i, being the dumbass i am, seriously believe it is because he runs the street so much. he doesn't come home til like 5 most nights. and he sleeps hard the time during the day in which he's here. i know he talks to other girls...but i still don't see him sleeping with them. so i don't know. we're just a big ole ball of confusion. but at least he comforts me, or at least tries to when i get all upset about the sickness or the job thing.
it's nice having someone around that cares.
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Your journal touched me, it was like looking into a mirror. I'm going to tell u an honest to god true story. I used to be a well paid, happy, brilliant and beautiful career girl/socialite/night student finishing my degree. I was well read, well travelled, loved my crazy family and engaged to a fireman that everyone including me thought was the greatest thing ever. We were so in sync, blahblah. I'm going to reader's digest it for you. I bought my first new car. I was hit by a speeding moron, severe brain damage, shattered teeth, skull, broken neck,etc. I spent two years in a pain-coma, learning to read and write again, to live. My fiance becomes a crazed crack addict and tries to kill me, tearing the only uninjured part left on my body - my shoulder. I had to basically live on welfare, was painted as dirt by an insurance co. that refused to pay for any treatments, was diagnosed with the world's most brutal illness, Lupus, and am slowly and painfully dying from it. My mother died, on her funeral my ex broke in to rob and trash my home, then came back to beat me, rape me, kill my pets and set my house on fire, ending up #1 on Canada's most wanted and scoring a 10 out of 10 on the psycopathology testing and danger level. He terrorized me until I moved over 500 miles away under a protected identity. The only family I had left died or just didn't care, see 'crazy' above, though my sociopath sister keeps checking like a vulture to see if I've died yet so she can take my things. I lost or left most of my friends, I have no energy left for parasites. I don't think there are words in the English language that can accurately describe the horrors of what the disease has done, and what the treatments do. I so hate the poor-me thing, that's why when I talk to someone they're never alowed to say "how are you doing" and I only talk to people who can see the humour in that and laugh with me. I guess I just want to say you're not alone, there are people who can truly emphasize with you. Believe it or not I do have some semblance of a life, and scary or not, I'd give everything I had for the ability to go home to my mom again. I promise you it will get better, and I know you know it will to. And if he's not home for dinner, change the locks. Trust me. Love is only supposed to hurt in movies and songs. It's supposed to make you feel safe and sure and supported and cared for, no matter what. Wild dogs run the streets. Men take care of their sick women, and their homes. They don't keep looking 'just in case', while keeping a safe place to crash. I know. We all go through that phase, but at 30, we're a good five years beyond that, at the very least. We're looking ahead at the next five years, and we either like the view, or we change it. Stop by some time, and let me know you found your way. You found a way to ask, and therefor I know you'll find the answer. And hug your mom as long and as hard as you can, because as scary as she may be, the world is a whole lot scarier without her. She will always be your biggest fan, fight for you whether you're right or wrong, and take on the world for you. Even if she's the one who hurts you the most. It's one of those universal paradoxes, but right about this time we seem to be able to become more than relatives, we get to sit down as women, talk as equals, and be friends. Don't miss this opportunity, trust me, because you spend the rest of your life missing it every day. Much love.;)A
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Sorry about all your woes. I feel for you and I don;t want to sound patronizing by saying anything else than that. I will come back and read though...
Good Luck.
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