Ctrl+Alt+Del
Control your emotions
Alternate your thought and reaction patterns
Delete anything negative and move on
That’s my new mantra. Ctrl+Alt+Del. Breathe and reboot. I’ve finally realized there’s nothing more I can really ever do than that. I’m always finding myself fighting a losing battle, whether it be with relationships, friendships, or a job situation, I seem to stick around long after the party is over and the curtains have been drawn. It’s hard to break the cycle, but I have to try. I can’t do this to myself anymore.
He contacted me last week. Michael. My…I don’t know what the hell he is now, or ever was actually. My infatuation? My delusion? My negation? I don’t know. He does what he always does. He emailed, then he IM’d, then texted, then called me late at night for a three hour call where we talk as if we are old battle buddies showing each other our scars. And of course he says he misses me and wants to see me and when I hesitate in agreeing he asks why. Then he asks me to detail, once again, why I love him and how it happened. We have had this same conversation several times and the result is always the same…he says he doesn’t understand it and then he disappears. He can’t break my heart anymore than he’s already broken it. There really isn’t any more damage he can do, other than get my hopes up just to dash them…and even that doesn’t have the same pain anymore. It still hurts…yes…it will always hurt…but not as intense as it once did. Now it is just a dull ache that lingers for about a week as I wait to see if I’m wrong…wait for a text, an email, or a call. But then it fades, and he fades…and he goes back into the recesses of my mind only to resurface now and then when something silly reminds me of him. We will never be what I want us to be. He will never be the man I see him as. I will never be the girl he chooses. So what can I do other than breathe and reboot and try to move on to the next thing?
Ctrl+Alt+Del
I’ve never been what someone would consider a good friend. I mean, if I’m needed, I’m there…and if I can I will do whatever I can to help out…but…I think I’m just a bit too touched in the head to carry on with long terms of interaction with anyone. Even my own brother. There comes a time when I get sad or scared or overwhelmed, and the only thing I know how to do well is retreat. I don’t like being emotional and I especially don’t like being emotional around other people because if I’m in a bad mood, I just want to be in a bad mood. I don’t want to have to pretend everything is ok. I don’t want to have to apologize for being snappish or quiet or ruining everyone else’s time, so when I feel like the world in crumbling in on me, I want to be alone. It’s just better that way because then no one takes shit personally and I’m not apologizing for something I can’t control. But even that, people take personally. Phones work both ways. So do texts. So do emails. So do pop ins at someone’s house. It’s ok for you not to come or call or text or email, but when I don’t do it I have an attitude. Couldn’t possibly be that I’m treating you the same way you treat me or I’m thinking that maybe you have an attitude since you haven’t contacted me. No. Of course not. When I’m not invited places or informed of things or answered on-line, it’s my fault. When I’m talking about how quickly you get mad at me and are willing to just cut me off, I’m jealous of your other friendships. Couldn’t be that you treat me differently or that it always seems like I’m the last to know anything that’s going on. No. Never that. That’s impossible. I’m just a moody, jealous, bitch that never wants to be around anyone. Alrighty then. The resolution? You’re done. Just like that. Not even a fight. You just say that you’re done and that’s the end of it. But I guess I should be grateful that you at least said that to me so I’m not sitting around waiting for you to call or text or drop by or for things to blow over. My main problem has always been closure. No one ever wants to give me closure or say good-bye, so it’s never over for me. You basically said good-bye. I don’t agree with it, nor did I want it, but why try to be with someone that doesn’t want you there? You said you’re done, so I have to be done, which means that…we’re done. It hurts. But if you’re so quick to dispose of us, then…something was really wrong anyway, that could never be fixed, that I apparently was oblivious to in the first place. I ‘m not a good friend, but I tried to be one to you. I really did try to be a better a person for you. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I don’t want to think about it anymore. I don’t want to miss you. But I do and I will…and still…I have to take a breath…and…and…let it be.
Ctrl+Alt
I haven’t spoken to my convict in a few months. Is it over? I don’t know. Do I ever know with him? No. Whenever I think it’s over, I pray to my angels for a sign and then lo and behold, I hear from him. I think that’s why I never stop believing in him. Something about us is touched with some kind of cosmic magic. It’s stupid and childish…but it’s true. My angels (all my little old ladies that always loved me and have gone to Heaven) have never steered me wrong. It’s true. I prayed for them to take Michael out of my life, and they did. I hear from him, but I seriously have not seen or been with him since then. I’ve been hesitant to ask them for a sign this time, though. I don’t know…if I want to know. I just wake up and go. I barely think of him. I don’t know what that means because I still miss him. But how can you miss someone you don’t think about or really want to talk to? The only two men I have ever loved always seem to be just out of my reach…even when I am with them. One I always give too much to one, and the other I give too little…and when things happen, I can actually sit back and say that it’s my fault it turned out that way without acting the martyr. I set things in motion, and even though I know what I’m doing I can’t seem to stop myself. Right now, I don’t need another thing distracting me. I don’t want to feel anything for anybody right now. Well, not for him. It’s too much and bounces in too many directions. I’ll talk to the angels when I’m ready. Maybe it’s just over already and as usual, I’m the last asshole to know it.
Ctrl
One good thing is everything was discharged and I’m in the clear. Thank God! I was waiting for bad news, but none came. I am so happy that I can start over. Start saving money and maybe still be able to get a house one day. My interview went really well. I was the number one candidate…but…of course, there’s a but…the shift that I was hoping for fell through. They will keep me in the pipeline though, and if one comes up that it is my time frame, I will be the first one they call. So…kinda good? I mean, it’s good to know they wanted me and think I can do the job, most definitely. I just wish they had my shift. So right now, I am stressed out by my current position at my job. I’m not a supervisor, but I sometimes get treated like one and not get paid for it or have any exceptions when it fucks up my phone time to help out other team mates. With all that, I like that people feel secure in coming to me for help and value my opinion…it just needlessly makes shit way more hectic for me. But then, if I hadn’t been doing that, I probably wouldn’t have been suggested for the position in the first place. Fucking catch 22.
I am totally stressed out over this wedding. I never knew so much work went into one when you’re in it. Bridal shower, wedding shower, bachelorette party, wedding, reception…lots of gifts, responsibilities, and outfits…which equals lots of time and money I don’t have. Outfits so far? Zero. Not even my bridesmaid dress and I have been looking all over for something nice. But shit in my size is ridiculous. It’s either cheap looking or looks like a freaking grandmother should wear it. I mean, nice looking regular clothes are hard to find, but nice looking elegant clothes are fucking damn near impossible! It’s been stressing me out so bad that my hair is breaking off and my skin has been breaking out. I just don’t want to fuck this up. Half of me thinks I should just drop out of the wedding, but the other half knows I would never forgive myself if I give up now and not take part of something so huge in my brother’s life. So the search continues. If the end of September comes and I’ve still failed, I’ll have no choice. I’ll have to pull out. Till then, it’s a damn dog race to the finish.
My dad is really sick…a lot sicker than he’s been saying he is.
I can’t…
Last night…the last few nights…I lay down to sleep and a phrase crosses my mind and then I have a crying fit. I am afraid to go to sleep. I am afraid to wake up and see my brother standing in my door again with bad news.
I don’t know what I would do.
Reboot, reboot, reboot.
And in reality, this whole Ctrl+Alt+Del thing, only partially works. Once you start thinking ‘well what if someone else has that same mantra and that’s why they’re cutting me off’ it really fucking backfires because then you’re going crazy trying to figure out what the fuck you did for them to feel that way and the whole controlling and alternating and deleting shit goes out the window. Nothing is 100% secure in this world, especially not life. All you can do is try to control the chaos or understand it as best you can. And when all else fails, just hit those buttons.
Just go and Ctrl+Alt+Del…
just breathe and reboot…
and pray that maybe…something was saved after all.
Control your emotions
Alternate your thought and reaction patterns
Delete anything negative and move on
That’s my new mantra. Ctrl+Alt+Del. Breathe and reboot. I’ve finally realized there’s nothing more I can really ever do than that. I’m always finding myself fighting a losing battle, whether it be with relationships, friendships, or a job situation, I seem to stick around long after the party is over and the curtains have been drawn. It’s hard to break the cycle, but I have to try. I can’t do this to myself anymore.
He contacted me last week. Michael. My…I don’t know what the hell he is now, or ever was actually. My infatuation? My delusion? My negation? I don’t know. He does what he always does. He emailed, then he IM’d, then texted, then called me late at night for a three hour call where we talk as if we are old battle buddies showing each other our scars. And of course he says he misses me and wants to see me and when I hesitate in agreeing he asks why. Then he asks me to detail, once again, why I love him and how it happened. We have had this same conversation several times and the result is always the same…he says he doesn’t understand it and then he disappears. He can’t break my heart anymore than he’s already broken it. There really isn’t any more damage he can do, other than get my hopes up just to dash them…and even that doesn’t have the same pain anymore. It still hurts…yes…it will always hurt…but not as intense as it once did. Now it is just a dull ache that lingers for about a week as I wait to see if I’m wrong…wait for a text, an email, or a call. But then it fades, and he fades…and he goes back into the recesses of my mind only to resurface now and then when something silly reminds me of him. We will never be what I want us to be. He will never be the man I see him as. I will never be the girl he chooses. So what can I do other than breathe and reboot and try to move on to the next thing?
Ctrl+Alt+Del
I’ve never been what someone would consider a good friend. I mean, if I’m needed, I’m there…and if I can I will do whatever I can to help out…but…I think I’m just a bit too touched in the head to carry on with long terms of interaction with anyone. Even my own brother. There comes a time when I get sad or scared or overwhelmed, and the only thing I know how to do well is retreat. I don’t like being emotional and I especially don’t like being emotional around other people because if I’m in a bad mood, I just want to be in a bad mood. I don’t want to have to pretend everything is ok. I don’t want to have to apologize for being snappish or quiet or ruining everyone else’s time, so when I feel like the world in crumbling in on me, I want to be alone. It’s just better that way because then no one takes shit personally and I’m not apologizing for something I can’t control. But even that, people take personally. Phones work both ways. So do texts. So do emails. So do pop ins at someone’s house. It’s ok for you not to come or call or text or email, but when I don’t do it I have an attitude. Couldn’t possibly be that I’m treating you the same way you treat me or I’m thinking that maybe you have an attitude since you haven’t contacted me. No. Of course not. When I’m not invited places or informed of things or answered on-line, it’s my fault. When I’m talking about how quickly you get mad at me and are willing to just cut me off, I’m jealous of your other friendships. Couldn’t be that you treat me differently or that it always seems like I’m the last to know anything that’s going on. No. Never that. That’s impossible. I’m just a moody, jealous, bitch that never wants to be around anyone. Alrighty then. The resolution? You’re done. Just like that. Not even a fight. You just say that you’re done and that’s the end of it. But I guess I should be grateful that you at least said that to me so I’m not sitting around waiting for you to call or text or drop by or for things to blow over. My main problem has always been closure. No one ever wants to give me closure or say good-bye, so it’s never over for me. You basically said good-bye. I don’t agree with it, nor did I want it, but why try to be with someone that doesn’t want you there? You said you’re done, so I have to be done, which means that…we’re done. It hurts. But if you’re so quick to dispose of us, then…something was really wrong anyway, that could never be fixed, that I apparently was oblivious to in the first place. I ‘m not a good friend, but I tried to be one to you. I really did try to be a better a person for you. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I don’t want to think about it anymore. I don’t want to miss you. But I do and I will…and still…I have to take a breath…and…and…let it be.
Ctrl+Alt
I haven’t spoken to my convict in a few months. Is it over? I don’t know. Do I ever know with him? No. Whenever I think it’s over, I pray to my angels for a sign and then lo and behold, I hear from him. I think that’s why I never stop believing in him. Something about us is touched with some kind of cosmic magic. It’s stupid and childish…but it’s true. My angels (all my little old ladies that always loved me and have gone to Heaven) have never steered me wrong. It’s true. I prayed for them to take Michael out of my life, and they did. I hear from him, but I seriously have not seen or been with him since then. I’ve been hesitant to ask them for a sign this time, though. I don’t know…if I want to know. I just wake up and go. I barely think of him. I don’t know what that means because I still miss him. But how can you miss someone you don’t think about or really want to talk to? The only two men I have ever loved always seem to be just out of my reach…even when I am with them. One I always give too much to one, and the other I give too little…and when things happen, I can actually sit back and say that it’s my fault it turned out that way without acting the martyr. I set things in motion, and even though I know what I’m doing I can’t seem to stop myself. Right now, I don’t need another thing distracting me. I don’t want to feel anything for anybody right now. Well, not for him. It’s too much and bounces in too many directions. I’ll talk to the angels when I’m ready. Maybe it’s just over already and as usual, I’m the last asshole to know it.
Ctrl
One good thing is everything was discharged and I’m in the clear. Thank God! I was waiting for bad news, but none came. I am so happy that I can start over. Start saving money and maybe still be able to get a house one day. My interview went really well. I was the number one candidate…but…of course, there’s a but…the shift that I was hoping for fell through. They will keep me in the pipeline though, and if one comes up that it is my time frame, I will be the first one they call. So…kinda good? I mean, it’s good to know they wanted me and think I can do the job, most definitely. I just wish they had my shift. So right now, I am stressed out by my current position at my job. I’m not a supervisor, but I sometimes get treated like one and not get paid for it or have any exceptions when it fucks up my phone time to help out other team mates. With all that, I like that people feel secure in coming to me for help and value my opinion…it just needlessly makes shit way more hectic for me. But then, if I hadn’t been doing that, I probably wouldn’t have been suggested for the position in the first place. Fucking catch 22.
I am totally stressed out over this wedding. I never knew so much work went into one when you’re in it. Bridal shower, wedding shower, bachelorette party, wedding, reception…lots of gifts, responsibilities, and outfits…which equals lots of time and money I don’t have. Outfits so far? Zero. Not even my bridesmaid dress and I have been looking all over for something nice. But shit in my size is ridiculous. It’s either cheap looking or looks like a freaking grandmother should wear it. I mean, nice looking regular clothes are hard to find, but nice looking elegant clothes are fucking damn near impossible! It’s been stressing me out so bad that my hair is breaking off and my skin has been breaking out. I just don’t want to fuck this up. Half of me thinks I should just drop out of the wedding, but the other half knows I would never forgive myself if I give up now and not take part of something so huge in my brother’s life. So the search continues. If the end of September comes and I’ve still failed, I’ll have no choice. I’ll have to pull out. Till then, it’s a damn dog race to the finish.
My dad is really sick…a lot sicker than he’s been saying he is.
I can’t…
Last night…the last few nights…I lay down to sleep and a phrase crosses my mind and then I have a crying fit. I am afraid to go to sleep. I am afraid to wake up and see my brother standing in my door again with bad news.
I don’t know what I would do.
Reboot, reboot, reboot.
And in reality, this whole Ctrl+Alt+Del thing, only partially works. Once you start thinking ‘well what if someone else has that same mantra and that’s why they’re cutting me off’ it really fucking backfires because then you’re going crazy trying to figure out what the fuck you did for them to feel that way and the whole controlling and alternating and deleting shit goes out the window. Nothing is 100% secure in this world, especially not life. All you can do is try to control the chaos or understand it as best you can. And when all else fails, just hit those buttons.
Just go and Ctrl+Alt+Del…
just breathe and reboot…
and pray that maybe…something was saved after all.
|
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