Another lonely Valentine's Day.
Well, another Valentine's day alone.
As much as it all bothers me, I realize that I don't do too much to change my relationship situation. I don't go out, I don't meet new people, I don't give people that do show interest a chance to make it into more...and I don't know why. It's like I sabotage myself with men on purpose. I go after the ones I know I can never have or will never love me, and in a way they can't hurt me...not really...because I never expected it to be anything else but what it is.
And worse, parts of my heart will always belong to two men. I have tried to push them out all of the way, but I can't seem to do it. When I start talking to a new guy, I think that I'm...cheating on them in a way. I'm always hoping one will realize he loves me come and save me and I'm always worried that what I'm doing will break the other one's heart. Maybe I'm fooling myself about both of them. Of how I really feel about them. Maybe I haven't realized fully how I truly feel.
Maybe I really don't love them at all...only the idea of them...only the dream I had for them at one time...and that hurts me to think that.
All I know is next Valentine's day I don't want to be alone. I want to do whatever it is I have to do to get over my trust issues and intimacy issues so I can give myself to someone I really want and wants me just as bad.
Somewhere out there, there's someone that thinks I'm smart and beautiful and worth all the trouble my baggage may initially bring. When he looks at me, I will feel larger than the sky and twice as unconquerable. When I curl into his arms, I will feel safe and loved and I won't be thinking about how to escape or dreading the moment he will leave. I will just be able to exhale and be in the moment and love my little heart out because I will finally be able to trust someone. I will finally be safe and feel protected and wanted. That's all I want...it's the only thing that has always eluded me...a safe place.
Somewhere out there, beneath the pale moonlight, someone is waiting for me to find them...someone that was made just for me to love...
And I promise I will find him...
someday.
Well, another Valentine's day alone.
As much as it all bothers me, I realize that I don't do too much to change my relationship situation. I don't go out, I don't meet new people, I don't give people that do show interest a chance to make it into more...and I don't know why. It's like I sabotage myself with men on purpose. I go after the ones I know I can never have or will never love me, and in a way they can't hurt me...not really...because I never expected it to be anything else but what it is.
And worse, parts of my heart will always belong to two men. I have tried to push them out all of the way, but I can't seem to do it. When I start talking to a new guy, I think that I'm...cheating on them in a way. I'm always hoping one will realize he loves me come and save me and I'm always worried that what I'm doing will break the other one's heart. Maybe I'm fooling myself about both of them. Of how I really feel about them. Maybe I haven't realized fully how I truly feel.
Maybe I really don't love them at all...only the idea of them...only the dream I had for them at one time...and that hurts me to think that.
All I know is next Valentine's day I don't want to be alone. I want to do whatever it is I have to do to get over my trust issues and intimacy issues so I can give myself to someone I really want and wants me just as bad.
Somewhere out there, there's someone that thinks I'm smart and beautiful and worth all the trouble my baggage may initially bring. When he looks at me, I will feel larger than the sky and twice as unconquerable. When I curl into his arms, I will feel safe and loved and I won't be thinking about how to escape or dreading the moment he will leave. I will just be able to exhale and be in the moment and love my little heart out because I will finally be able to trust someone. I will finally be safe and feel protected and wanted. That's all I want...it's the only thing that has always eluded me...a safe place.
Somewhere out there, beneath the pale moonlight, someone is waiting for me to find them...someone that was made just for me to love...
And I promise I will find him...
someday.
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